Can this be me?

Well, weird thing happened today. Gary and I went climbing. That's not the weird thing though it is infrequent. Well we were only top roping and it was in the gym no less, when I was half way up my first climb...a warm up, I started hyperventilating. I kept thinking about if I fell, then Roxanna would be without a mom, etc.etc. Then I thought, is my harness on right? Did I check my knot?  Is this what happens when you become a parent?  Are my climbing days done?  

... Never finished this post back from November , but will post it now... July 2013 

I'm sick of Facebook!

Facebook is getting annoying even though I am on there a lot. I'm sick of the game requests, political commentary and just garbage. I love the pictures and I like posting pictures of our life for family and friends to see. Well I have this blog and now that I got an app to use it on my iPad, I can just add pictures here with commentary and friends and family can choose to follow or not. So that's my new plan...

I took my boards yesterday. Thank god that is over! I was underestimating it a bit...harder than I thought. Chances are I passed but I won't know for 3 months! Now I can get to all the things I've been meaning to do. I have a list of ideas a mile long from Pinterest. Plus it is getting into Christmas season! I cannot wait!! I'm planning a fun holiday party plus all the sweets I have planned! I love Christmas!

Well of course I have plans to get back in shape...I've been putting it off too long! We ran today, it was sunny (rare lately), and it felt good. We went to gym yesterday too. I am missing climbing terribly! Our gym has an awesome climbing wall and great daycare for Roxy. It's great, she is used to the people there now and enjoys herself when we go. So worth it! She's eating more and more...loves mashed potatoes! We are working on learning her colors too...right after Chinese lessons! Ha!

Graduation! Again...

So, I graduated AGAIN! For the last time I think...it was a lovely evening at a beautiful setting on the beach of La Jolla. It was bittersweet for me, I have so many emotions now and so many life changes. I was emotional that night, even though I know that Southern California isn't where my family and I are supposed to be, it is still harder to leave than I had expected. I've spent 8 years here and have made some great friends. I feel like I am sharing the experience of being a new mom with so many friends here that it is hard to leave that support. I'm also starting a new job...out of training (scary!) and still wonder if I've chosen the right place and practice setting. Gary just told me that he is dying for adventure...I am just dying to be done with work so I can take care of Rox. For the first time, we are on separate pages. But, to be fair, he had stayed home with her full time for 5 months...he is looking for something more just as I knew he would.Roxanna is growing up before my eyes. I haven't been blogging because I've made a special journal for her that I spend my time writing in. She is beautiful and my purest joy. How did I ever not want this? To be a mom is the best thing I have ever done.

Betty crocker

Me and Rox 10 weeks

Grand Marnier Orange Butter Cookies

Whole Wheat Tortillas Brie Chicken Wrap

So I only have less than a week of maternity leave. It is bitter sweet returning to work. On the one hand, I only have 3 months left of my residency so I am anxious to finish. On the other, I am not looking forward to leaving roxanna so much. I am so grateful that Gary is able to stay home and care for her...one less stress about finding someone we trust to watch her. So I am keeping myself busy in the kitchen. I have actually done some baking which is unusual for me. I am mote of a cook than a baker...I realize it's not for lack of love for sweets but my lack of precision. Gary was watching me make THE WORldS BEST chocolate chip cookies (trust me...they are truly the best), and said..."hey that's not a full cup, you have to level it!" etc. etc. so I probably have him to thank for the way they turned out. I'll post a link but they are also on my pinterest board. Another hit was grand marnier orange butter cookies. wOW...so good. My next attempt is a southern Carmel cake, never had one but heard they are divine! Last night made a fantastic dinner. The key was homemade whole wheat tortillas. Then fill it with store bought rotisserie chicken, Brie cheese, carmalized onion, roasted red peppers and spinach. yUM!make sure the Brie melts....obey gooey yumminess! I cannot wait to teach Roxanna to cook and to bake!so many joys and things to teach her. This is going to be so fun! Will post a few photos later, can't figure out how to add photos to this blog from my iPad. Yep got an iPad and I love it! Can surf, read, do work while nursing and holding Rox. So worth every penny.

Oxytocin Overload

I've been inspired by my friend Shanna about writing in my blog again. I have been neglecting it...just one more thing that I should do but when I go back and reread my posts I realize how cool they will be later on.

My baby girl Roxanna Goldie Gray was born at 01:52 am on January 29, 2012 at UCSD hospital. All my doubts about myself as a mother and fears about it changing my life were evaporated literally the moment she was put up to my chest. I have read about love at first sight but had no frame of reference until it happened to me. Overwhelming love and protection welled out of me and sealed our attachment for life. What a precious gift is motherhood; and how tragic if I missed this life changing experience. Now my brain has changed--literally. I have read a lot about the hormonal changes that occur between a mother and infant and have to say that I agree with them all. I feel like my brain is literally recircuited and I forever onward will be first and foremost a mother. When I used to see women who wanted to stay home and care for their children as unprogressive and weak, I now consider a gift and an aspiration. I am shocked about how completely transformative this experience is. Gary is also in awe about how "motherly" I am; and it has also added another special bond between Gary and me sharing parenthood together.

So I have struggled with the meaning of life, and now I know it is to be a parent and to experience love and family.

I am having the time of my life, not climbing, not traveling, not partying, just watching my baby grow and anticipating all the things I am going to teach her and all the experiences we will share. And I think to myself, what a wonderful world.

Puff the Magic Dragon

I remember when I was a little girl, my dad used to sing puff the magic dragon to me and my brother Shiloh, and I would always cry. Isn't it such a sad song? I just listened to it because I am having major nostalgia for my childhood--and I cried like a little girl. Gary thought I was nuts...I feel nuts. This pregnancy is making me crazy! I'm such a cliche.
I feel badly that I havent written in here much about my pregnancy because it would have been interesting to read later on. I have had so many feelings and emotions during this past 9 months that it is hard to remember them all now.
Something that I have struggled with, and hear little about from other people that have had children is loss of my identity. I am viewed differently now by coworkers, patients, friends--even my husband that it was and still is difficult to reconcile. It is odd that you view yourself one way and then other people view you differently so there is a sense of: ''who am I now?" Am I still me? Should I be the person that people see me as? Why am I still not completely feeling my mother role? Does that mean I won't be a good mother?
Then people ask if I am getting really excited--and the answer is I am more apprehensive than excited. Then I feel bad, so sometimes I lie. I have so many fears about the health of my baby that I haven't let myself get into the excited stage yet. What if I have a difficult delivery and my baby has cerebral palsey, or autism or some other syndrome. What if I didn't eat healthy enough during my pregnancy. What if all my stress at work causes some defect in my baby?
I'm still in the disbelief that we actually did this! I don't know how it will change my life, but I am hoping it will only make it better.
I won't even comment on the loss of my body. I am having a real hard time with that one. I'm so shallow.
One of the unexpected joys is that I have found myself connecting with women who have had kids that I never expected. It is now like I am in a secret club. Only other women who have been pregnant can understand at least part of the changes that I am going through. I feel a sense of closeness to people that was unexpected and the generosity from these women has been a wonder. I feel like I have not been supportive of pregnant women in the past--now I know what it is like to be truly dead tired, throwing up, not fitting in clothes, legs swelling, and I am finding that at least some people understand that it is hard for me to stand for a long time. I find I am welcoming accomodations that are being made for me and don't feel guilty. I know it is my choice to have a child, but for me at least is not an easy process to go through--why can't I have a little break now and then?
Well I am off to get ready for work. 35 weeks today, only 5 to go...