Contentment

I recently came back from vacation a week ago, where Gary and I visited my mom and grandma and also met some of our Wyoming friends in Utah for a little camping and climbing reunion. As much as I want to tell you details about the terrible gastroenteritis Gary and I go on this trip, I will refrain. It wasn't the best vacation, which sucks because my vacation time is limited and I want to have all my time off to be a supremely good time. It was great seeing my family and reconnecting with old friends, even if I only did one climb!
The drive back was long, and I had some time to think when it was my turn to drive as I did not have an audio book to listen to. You know how it is, when you have time to think, your mind runs wild and lots of stuff comes up. I got to thinking about my life, dreams, goals, etc. as I normally do, and my mind kept returning to the subject of what I would like to have or attain to be truly happy. One simple concept kept replaying in my brain: "I would like to be content." I had never really put it into words before, but I realized then, that I am never satisfied. Never content. I don't know how or when I became so goal oriented, so focused on achieving. It is not only achievement that drives me however, I also want NEW and unique experiences. I don't want to get bored or complacent. For as long as I remember, I would not consider this desire for change or desire for success to be a negative personality trait, but now I am not so sure. I think a person can be pushed too far to one side.
Here are some examples that illustrate my lack of contentment:
1. I do like my hair, I consider it one of my favorite parts of my body, however, I always want to change it. When it is short, I see pictures of it long, and want it long, then I grow it and immediately want it short. I often wonder, how can so many women be happy having the same hairstyle year after year after year?
2. I don't know where I want to live. My adult life, has been a quest for the perfect place. Am I Mountain girl or Beach Girl? Do I want to live in the states or abroad? Should I live closer to my family? I see my friends who are completely comfortable that they will live the rest of their lives in San Diego or Wyoming, or whereever the place may be. Don't they wonder if they are missing someplace special? Something new?
3. My job. I chose Emergency Medicine partly because it allows me the flexibility to explore all the other avenues of life that are available to me.
4. My indecision about having children. Why can't I commit to having kids? I am scared that they will hinder my ability to grow and to explore the wonderful world. I am afraid I will miss something. How do people not feel scared about sacrificing such a big part of their lives raising children?
5. Meals. Gary will eat anything that is around. I always have to jazz it up with something special. You mean you are going to eat that burrito without cilantro! Don't you want parmesan on your pasta?
I am thinking, wouldn't my life be so much simpler If I could just cultivate the ability to be content? Part of me wants a simpler life. If I could just find fulfillment in the everyday things, wouldn't life be so much easier and fulfilling? There is a reason for the old axiom of "Ignorance isBliss." Is being content the same as being ignorant? Don't I want to be "worldly, intriguing, ambitious?" If I were more content, would I have a great husband, a job that I love, financial stability, countless opportunities?
Somehow, I have to meet in the middle. Maybe I need to go meditate for 10 days in yosemite valley and figure this all out!