I'm on call right now. There are no women delivering right now, nor have there been all day... so I'm bored. I've spent hours on line but decided to call it quits when I started googling myself and read info about other people who have the same name as me. There are more Siobhan Gray's than there are Siobhan Wilson's. There is even another Dr. Siobhan Gray.
I also read a book today: Thousand Splendid Suns. It was pretty good. It kept my interest. I was more involved with the Kite Runner though.
Then I decided to go work out. But since I didn't have any clothes with me, I went a couple blocks down the street to this second hand store and bought a t-shirt and shorts. Of course I didn't try them on--they are workout clothes right?
So I get to the gym, and my red shorts are SKIN TIGHT and barely cover my rear end. There may have been a day that I could have pulled that off, but that day is gone. To make matters worse, the lady checking me out did not remove the big huge security tag on the shorts. As I was already pushing it by leaving the hospital to buy clothes AND work out, I decided. What the hell, and just wore my red skin tight shorts with a big plastic security tag on the side! It did feel good to get a workout while on call though. I felt like I was cheating the system...
In other news...I finished my step 3, which is the last part of my medical boards. That felt awesome to complete! It was 2 days which sucked, but it was a big relief to get that off of my shoulders. I've also applied for my medical license so I can write my own prescriptions soon! Pretty cool. My nephew, Lucian, who is 4, asked me on the phone the other day: "Aunt Siobhan, why did you want to be a doctor?" So I answered the only thing I could "because I wanted to help people when they are sick." "oh, ok. I just wondered." It does feel pretty good to be a doctor. Definitely has changed my life.
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Contentment
I recently came back from vacation a week ago, where Gary and I visited my mom and grandma and also met some of our Wyoming friends in Utah for a little camping and climbing reunion. As much as I want to tell you details about the terrible gastroenteritis Gary and I go on this trip, I will refrain. It wasn't the best vacation, which sucks because my vacation time is limited and I want to have all my time off to be a supremely good time. It was great seeing my family and reconnecting with old friends, even if I only did one climb!
The drive back was long, and I had some time to think when it was my turn to drive as I did not have an audio book to listen to. You know how it is, when you have time to think, your mind runs wild and lots of stuff comes up. I got to thinking about my life, dreams, goals, etc. as I normally do, and my mind kept returning to the subject of what I would like to have or attain to be truly happy. One simple concept kept replaying in my brain: "I would like to be content." I had never really put it into words before, but I realized then, that I am never satisfied. Never content. I don't know how or when I became so goal oriented, so focused on achieving. It is not only achievement that drives me however, I also want NEW and unique experiences. I don't want to get bored or complacent. For as long as I remember, I would not consider this desire for change or desire for success to be a negative personality trait, but now I am not so sure. I think a person can be pushed too far to one side.
Here are some examples that illustrate my lack of contentment:
1. I do like my hair, I consider it one of my favorite parts of my body, however, I always want to change it. When it is short, I see pictures of it long, and want it long, then I grow it and immediately want it short. I often wonder, how can so many women be happy having the same hairstyle year after year after year?
2. I don't know where I want to live. My adult life, has been a quest for the perfect place. Am I Mountain girl or Beach Girl? Do I want to live in the states or abroad? Should I live closer to my family? I see my friends who are completely comfortable that they will live the rest of their lives in San Diego or Wyoming, or whereever the place may be. Don't they wonder if they are missing someplace special? Something new?
3. My job. I chose Emergency Medicine partly because it allows me the flexibility to explore all the other avenues of life that are available to me.
4. My indecision about having children. Why can't I commit to having kids? I am scared that they will hinder my ability to grow and to explore the wonderful world. I am afraid I will miss something. How do people not feel scared about sacrificing such a big part of their lives raising children?
5. Meals. Gary will eat anything that is around. I always have to jazz it up with something special. You mean you are going to eat that burrito without cilantro! Don't you want parmesan on your pasta?
I am thinking, wouldn't my life be so much simpler If I could just cultivate the ability to be content? Part of me wants a simpler life. If I could just find fulfillment in the everyday things, wouldn't life be so much easier and fulfilling? There is a reason for the old axiom of "Ignorance isBliss." Is being content the same as being ignorant? Don't I want to be "worldly, intriguing, ambitious?" If I were more content, would I have a great husband, a job that I love, financial stability, countless opportunities?
Somehow, I have to meet in the middle. Maybe I need to go meditate for 10 days in yosemite valley and figure this all out!
The drive back was long, and I had some time to think when it was my turn to drive as I did not have an audio book to listen to. You know how it is, when you have time to think, your mind runs wild and lots of stuff comes up. I got to thinking about my life, dreams, goals, etc. as I normally do, and my mind kept returning to the subject of what I would like to have or attain to be truly happy. One simple concept kept replaying in my brain: "I would like to be content." I had never really put it into words before, but I realized then, that I am never satisfied. Never content. I don't know how or when I became so goal oriented, so focused on achieving. It is not only achievement that drives me however, I also want NEW and unique experiences. I don't want to get bored or complacent. For as long as I remember, I would not consider this desire for change or desire for success to be a negative personality trait, but now I am not so sure. I think a person can be pushed too far to one side.
Here are some examples that illustrate my lack of contentment:
1. I do like my hair, I consider it one of my favorite parts of my body, however, I always want to change it. When it is short, I see pictures of it long, and want it long, then I grow it and immediately want it short. I often wonder, how can so many women be happy having the same hairstyle year after year after year?
2. I don't know where I want to live. My adult life, has been a quest for the perfect place. Am I Mountain girl or Beach Girl? Do I want to live in the states or abroad? Should I live closer to my family? I see my friends who are completely comfortable that they will live the rest of their lives in San Diego or Wyoming, or whereever the place may be. Don't they wonder if they are missing someplace special? Something new?
3. My job. I chose Emergency Medicine partly because it allows me the flexibility to explore all the other avenues of life that are available to me.
4. My indecision about having children. Why can't I commit to having kids? I am scared that they will hinder my ability to grow and to explore the wonderful world. I am afraid I will miss something. How do people not feel scared about sacrificing such a big part of their lives raising children?
5. Meals. Gary will eat anything that is around. I always have to jazz it up with something special. You mean you are going to eat that burrito without cilantro! Don't you want parmesan on your pasta?
I am thinking, wouldn't my life be so much simpler If I could just cultivate the ability to be content? Part of me wants a simpler life. If I could just find fulfillment in the everyday things, wouldn't life be so much easier and fulfilling? There is a reason for the old axiom of "Ignorance isBliss." Is being content the same as being ignorant? Don't I want to be "worldly, intriguing, ambitious?" If I were more content, would I have a great husband, a job that I love, financial stability, countless opportunities?
Somehow, I have to meet in the middle. Maybe I need to go meditate for 10 days in yosemite valley and figure this all out!
Saturday, March 7, 2009
too much to do...
I have not been satisfied with how my life is going lately. I have a great husband, a job that I love, live in a beautiful place, have an adorable little puppy, have great health, and yet I feel not quite right. I have so many things that I love to do, run, bike, climb, read, cook, hang out with friends, go to the beach, yet I do not have the time to do them, nor do I often have the energy. Only having one day off a week is really hard especially with Gary working so hard as well. My day off generally consists of trying to sleep in, working out, then doing errands, cleaning the house, taking care of online stuff and then hopefully having time to have a nice dinner or drinks with Gary when he gets home from work.
Everyone knows that being an intern is tough, but it is tough not only while you are at work, but also tough for how much you have to sacrifice. There is a reason why people go from undergrad directly to medical school then to residency. If you wait, you get old and feel more entitled and ready to settle! I feel very differently now then when I was 26. I feel ready to start my real life already.
I feel the dissatisfaction a little more acutely lately now that we have Lander. I think the reason is that adding one more element to our already stretched thin schedule has shown me just how worn out I really am. Lander has taken away what little relaxation time that I had. He has made me go from just coping to really not coping that well. I know, I know, he's just a dog! But he is like the straw that broke the camel's back.
So all of this has made me realize that I think they had it right in the 1950's when wives stayed home to take care of the household and the children, and the husband earned the salary. What an ingenious idea? Can you believe that is coming out of my keyboard! But, I guess I will update that sentiment to reflect the current age. I think people have it right when one spouse stays home and the other works. Don't get me wrong. I wound not be happy being a homemaker personally, but I would be extremely happy to come home every night from work with a fully stocked fridge, dinner made, house cleaned, laundry done, bills paid, dog walked, sheets washed, dry-cleaning picked up, and all I have to do is simply relax and enjoy life. I think in that situation, all the work stress could much more easily vanish.
I would LOVE it if Gary could stay home and take care of all the STUFF, and take care of me. If only he could still keep making his salaray. Ahhh. there's the rub...
Everyone knows that being an intern is tough, but it is tough not only while you are at work, but also tough for how much you have to sacrifice. There is a reason why people go from undergrad directly to medical school then to residency. If you wait, you get old and feel more entitled and ready to settle! I feel very differently now then when I was 26. I feel ready to start my real life already.
I feel the dissatisfaction a little more acutely lately now that we have Lander. I think the reason is that adding one more element to our already stretched thin schedule has shown me just how worn out I really am. Lander has taken away what little relaxation time that I had. He has made me go from just coping to really not coping that well. I know, I know, he's just a dog! But he is like the straw that broke the camel's back.
So all of this has made me realize that I think they had it right in the 1950's when wives stayed home to take care of the household and the children, and the husband earned the salary. What an ingenious idea? Can you believe that is coming out of my keyboard! But, I guess I will update that sentiment to reflect the current age. I think people have it right when one spouse stays home and the other works. Don't get me wrong. I wound not be happy being a homemaker personally, but I would be extremely happy to come home every night from work with a fully stocked fridge, dinner made, house cleaned, laundry done, bills paid, dog walked, sheets washed, dry-cleaning picked up, and all I have to do is simply relax and enjoy life. I think in that situation, all the work stress could much more easily vanish.
I would LOVE it if Gary could stay home and take care of all the STUFF, and take care of me. If only he could still keep making his salaray. Ahhh. there's the rub...
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Generation boredom?
I was watching bits and pieces of Oprah today while riding my stationary bike. One show was about how to simplify your life. This idea has been intriguing to me lately, although I am not that great at it. I am thrifty and cost conscious in some ways. For instant, you may call it my pet peeve to throw away stuff from the refridgerator. It literally causes me anguish when something goes bad, or we don't eat the brussel sprouts in time. I may be a little obsessive about this at times. I remember when we were moving from Japan, I was force feeding Gary Udon (type of Japanese noodle) because we had bought too many and I didn't want to throw them out before we moved. One day, I opened the cupboard to prepare the Udon and we were out. "hmm, I said, I thought we had more?" "Nope," Gary said. "You made me eat them all!" Only later did I learn that he threw them out behind my back!! However, in contrast...I also just bought 1 dress, 2 shirts, 1 jacket, and 1 pair of jeans at Banana Republic that I didn't NEED. So the theoretical rule in our house is that we have to get rid of something for every item I purchase. I have yet to done so, but pretty good rule...in theory!
But what I found really intriguing today, was a small part of the show that they didn't really get into that much, this was the fact that children are growing up with constant sensory stimulation and without it, boredome ensues. They are always on line, on their cell phone, texting, watching TV, playing video games etc. This has got to have major consequences. For instance, I still keep in touch with my college physics teacher occasionally. He told me that teaching has changed for him in the last 8-10 years substantially. He is unable to get student's attention, "there is a lack of focus and a demand for more showmanship on my part. There has to be multi-media at all times to learn" he said. Am I just getting old to think that this is sad and maybe even tragic? Look at me, blogging right now, feeling like our technology has gotten out of hand. Every generation thinks that how they were brought up was the right way. When I have children (or child), do I allow them a personal computer, a cell phone, unlimited TV? I had none of those things and I think I turned out pretty good. Wouldn't we love to be able to enjoy simple time together, a quiet evening playing games, watching a fire, reading a great book, instead of all the NOISE? It is not a new sentiment to say that the technology we have created has made our lives more simple and efficient in so many ways, but at what cost? Are we raising our children without patience? without the ability to imagine? impeding personal communication while fostering sedentary behavior? Are we creating Generation Boredom?
But what I found really intriguing today, was a small part of the show that they didn't really get into that much, this was the fact that children are growing up with constant sensory stimulation and without it, boredome ensues. They are always on line, on their cell phone, texting, watching TV, playing video games etc. This has got to have major consequences. For instance, I still keep in touch with my college physics teacher occasionally. He told me that teaching has changed for him in the last 8-10 years substantially. He is unable to get student's attention, "there is a lack of focus and a demand for more showmanship on my part. There has to be multi-media at all times to learn" he said. Am I just getting old to think that this is sad and maybe even tragic? Look at me, blogging right now, feeling like our technology has gotten out of hand. Every generation thinks that how they were brought up was the right way. When I have children (or child), do I allow them a personal computer, a cell phone, unlimited TV? I had none of those things and I think I turned out pretty good. Wouldn't we love to be able to enjoy simple time together, a quiet evening playing games, watching a fire, reading a great book, instead of all the NOISE? It is not a new sentiment to say that the technology we have created has made our lives more simple and efficient in so many ways, but at what cost? Are we raising our children without patience? without the ability to imagine? impeding personal communication while fostering sedentary behavior? Are we creating Generation Boredom?
Monday, March 2, 2009
this is beautiful?
Today is my first day of obgyn as an intern. I have delivered one baby today and went to one c-section. My reaction has not changed from the first time I have seen a birth. In one word: HORRIFIC! I know it may be funny that I say that. I know so many people who think: "Isn't it amazing," or "that is so great that you get to deliver babies all day." Hell no. I simply do not like it. It seems so wrong and so gruesome. I know, I know, it is part of life and that most women go through it but it is definitely not something I am looking forward to. I also wonder what the husbands think about that part of your anatomy after that huge head comes out, among other stuff. I feel like Gary would pass out. He cannot handle anything medically related.
Actually the whole process of having a child is pretty distressing to me, (besides the first part!). I know some people like pregnancy. In my short experience with it, it was awful. You get sick for no reason, have gastric reflux, get fat and swollen, can't drink and in return you get a "glow" Whatever.
So maybe people with kids will help me put this in perspective. It's all worth it in the end right? When you are holding your little baby in your arms...
While I am on the subject. Gary and I have proven to ourselves that we are not able to handle disruption in our lives so easily. Our little puppy, Lander, has proven to be a handful. Gary and I have shared our lives together for so long that we have our routine down. Now, we have this new little guy who we have to play with and walk all the time, and feed, and train that we are exhausted. We are grouchy towards each other and we aren't doing the things that we normally do. Gary said: "Well I guess I just don't work out anymore." and I have not been able to cook as much or go grocery shopping etc. Plus our end of the evening relaxation routine has not been happening. But, we do love the little guy. He is so great! So maybe it will be worth it in the end.
Actually the whole process of having a child is pretty distressing to me, (besides the first part!). I know some people like pregnancy. In my short experience with it, it was awful. You get sick for no reason, have gastric reflux, get fat and swollen, can't drink and in return you get a "glow" Whatever.
So maybe people with kids will help me put this in perspective. It's all worth it in the end right? When you are holding your little baby in your arms...
While I am on the subject. Gary and I have proven to ourselves that we are not able to handle disruption in our lives so easily. Our little puppy, Lander, has proven to be a handful. Gary and I have shared our lives together for so long that we have our routine down. Now, we have this new little guy who we have to play with and walk all the time, and feed, and train that we are exhausted. We are grouchy towards each other and we aren't doing the things that we normally do. Gary said: "Well I guess I just don't work out anymore." and I have not been able to cook as much or go grocery shopping etc. Plus our end of the evening relaxation routine has not been happening. But, we do love the little guy. He is so great! So maybe it will be worth it in the end.
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