reflections of circumstances

It is funny where life takes you. I am at a point in my life where I see death almost daily. I see people literally at their worst moment. I see family coming into a scary ICU, which is an uninviting and terrifying place and sometimes I try to envision it from their eyes. What must it be like to see your husband, previously relatively healthy, and now in a sterile environment with a tube in his mouth, in his penis, in his neck, in his arms, in his chest. Monitors beeping, IV bags hanging. The sensory experience must be shocking. Yet, to me it has now become "normal." It is amazing what a human can accomodate to. The other day 3 patients died in the ICU. This was another day at work for me and the other health care professionals. It is no wonder that doctor's become callous. I feel like I am one that makes an effort to relate to both my patients and family, and yet, I think that so far I could do much better in that regards. I get so busy doing my "work" that I don't call family as often as I should, or walk into the room when I know they are there. However, in as much, as I think that I could do so much better with my "bedside manner," I would say that I would be in the top 95% compared to the attendings that I see. It is rare to see an attending that I admire in that regards. The care/comfort/humanity is often secondary. Don't get me wrong, I admire some of the attendings in so many other ways, but his one crucial aspect seems lost. It is this intangible aspect that I want to get right, yet I too get lost in the work, the fatigue, the stress of uncertainty, that I am not living up to my ideals.
Sometimes I think, what if this was Gary (since I can't say,what if this was me because my perspective is so warped at this point). What if Garys brother was in the ICU and Gary was seeing him for the first time, what would his reaction be? He would be confused, lost, uncertain, and hanging on the doctor's every word for hope. This is what I must remember when I see families. Death, although a part of life, is not "normal" for most people. I am learning this lesson that I already know...how to put humanity into my practice. Who would have thought that it would be challenging for me?