A big family

Life and age sneaks up on you when you aren't looking. Gary turns 42 today, I will be 34 next week which is the age I had put on myself for the final decision about having children. I chose this age because once you turn 35 you are now classified as "advanced maternal age" and it freaks me out.
It's funny because I thought I would have so much more at age 34 than I do, and at the same time I think I have too much.
Does everyone wish they would be where they are right now but 10 years earlier? Yet do they also not want the responsibility and stress of being a true adult? Am I a TRUE adult now? I have a dog, I am a doctor, I live in a house not an apartment...does that mean I have become an adult for real?
Besides, what does that really mean?
I am a commitment-phobe, a discovery that I just recently learned. I was with Gary for 7 years before we became engaged. I've wanted a dog for 11 years before I settled down enough to get one. I still haven't bought a house, even though I can afford it because I can't commit to one place. And of course the big one, I can't commit to having a family. I still cannot get past the idea that once I do, I am done with my own growth. I may as well roll over, go to pta meetings, work, buy a big house with a picket fence, get 2 SUVs and have bbqs on Sundays. Why do I think of all the sucky things and not the joy of having a family?
Part of me wants a family (and don't tell Gary this but I want more than one kid) because I think there is a part of growing up that requires siblings. Part of who I am today is because of my brothers and sisters. It seems hollow to me to have once child, but the reality of having more than one kid is daunting...so I do nothing. And I age.
But I also don't want the status quo family. I think it is disgusting how kids play video games and are so attached to their phones, and don't know how to experience the outside world. I think I will feel like a failure if my kids would rather be on line than go on a hike. Is this how all generations feel, am I just imposing my ideas of happiness on children through my experiences?
So why do I think about it so much? Maybe I should just let go. Maybe if I believed in God I could just say: "let go, let god" but that is such a farce. It is just not taking responsibility for your own actions...not my style. WOuld be nice though if I could just pretend that whatever I do was predetermined for a big plan. How much easier life would be if it weren't up to me.

But in a sense, maybe I should just let go. My best friend just had a child. I think about her a lot and how amazing she says it is. I believe her. I want it to be amazing for me too, but if it isn't it may end up being the biggest mistake of my life.