Fatigue

I am deep down tired and can't get motivated. I find myself wasting time when I am off work when I should be productive but just want to laze around and watch TV or read a book/play with dog.
I was thinking about this on my run today--I am working a lot, but relative to other residents I think ER residents work less hours. I finally realized it is the lack of schedule and constant rotating of shifts that is just HARD!
THis week:
Monday 2-11pm, Tues 7:30- 12:00 back for 10pm-7am, Wed 10pm-7am, Thurs "off" Fri 3-11, Sat 10am-10pm, Sun 10am-8pm
It continues kind of like that. Days, evenings, overnights etc... I have a hard time planning for anything. My sleep is constantly disrupted (slept 4 hours today--woken up by construction going on next door at least 2 times during this 4 hours).
I'm just tired...
How do I have time to do my to do list:
1. research project--crap I have to get started on this and actually do something that can get published--time is ticking.
2. my core talk (big talk to all the doctors)
3. My away rotation: get endless forms signed and coordinated.
4. submit my paper to a journal
5. I am in charge of board review--have to prepare those talks.
This is just my work stuff to do...how about my personal stuff? Forget about it... I am happy that I still manage to work out 4-5 times per week though the intensity of my work outs are pretty weak most of the time. I was supposed to start climbing and that was going OK but again without a schedule, I end up just not sticking with it. I am behind multiple birthday gifts/wedding gifts.
AAAAHHHHH! I cant keep up with this life. It is too busy. It is too hard!

Ok, well I guess I will just go watch some TV by the fire...

Time keeps on slippin...

Summer is gone again. Actually, I don't think it ever really came to San Diego. How can that be you may think if you don't live here. Well, in summer we always get some really hot weather. For those of us who live near the water this is nice because the beach warms up a bit for a swim and when you get out you aren't cold. This summer, was just kind of lame. It felt like fall every day. That's OK though. I am really liking San Diego lately in a weird kind of way. It has never felt like the kind of place that I could establish roots. Everything seemed very shallow like a real life could not take hold here. I'm not sure why. I have made some fantastic friends here, my job is great and keeps me busy, yet when I look at myself in the future I just can't seem to find contentment here. Yet, I have finally come to terms with the fact that even if I am not going to stay here forever that doesn't mean I should be trying to get out now. I am enjoying every bit of San Diego as I think I only probably have about 2 more years of living here. One of my best friends and his wife just started surfing. Maybe I will take that up again. Why not? I got a good 2 years by the ocean and then who knows? I would like to sail, that would be pretty cool.

So my eternal question is where will I go? What is my perfect place. I made a list of course.
1. Small town but not too small. If too small must be near bigger city. population 20,000-100,000 is about right.
2. College town or tourist town. If you live in a small town you need to have some culture this can be brought in by college or by tourists. I would probably prefer a college town.
3. Mountains
4. Decent pay for my job.
5. not crazy expensive like aspen, telluride, jackson.

So I am making my list of places to check out, I've actually been to all of these places except burlington but now I am looking at them more critically. Maybe put down some real routes.
Top of the list:
1. Bend, Or
2. Laramie, Wy
3. Jackson, Wy
4. Missoula, Mt
5. Burlington, VT
6. Portland, ME
7. Tahoe, NV
8. Park City, UT
9. Durango, Co

All of them have good and bad. We are going to check most of them out again this year. We will see where we end up. As a child is most likely in the near future, I also want a good place to raise a kid.

Right now my baby Lander is cracking me up. He is running around like a crazy dog back and forth with his bone in his mouth. I love that dog.
Well I think I am off to nap for a bit.

Too much time on my hands

The title of this blog is not exactly true. I am perpetually deficient in time. There are simply not enough hours in the day. My to do list is a mile long, and still I "waste time."

I just finished reading Gary's blog. He is currently in Alaska and has been gone for one month so far. Time is not flying by, it has actually slowed with him not here. I find myself doing things to keep busy. I am hanging out with friends more (this is a good thing), trying to keep the house cleaned (mostly failing miserably), reading more, and have watched all 4 seasons of Prison Break on netflix.
We have been together for over 12 years and most of this time we have lived together. I now realize how co-dependent couples are, or at least I feel co-dependent. There are so many things that Gary does that I just am not good at and have never really had to do.
For example:
1. I don't buy toiletries and cleaning supplies. Toilet paper, toothpaste, dish soap is always in the house. I never think about it.
2. Gas in the lawn mower--do we have a gas can for this? (it's been a month and I've mowed the lawn once and had to stop because it ran out of gas)
3. When does the garbage need to go to the curb?
4. What day is recycling?
5. I actually have to buy espresso for it to be in the can so I can make my cafe con leche in the morning.
6. What day am I allowed to water? Oh I forget so I just don't do it. My lawn is dying a slow death.
7. Roses have all but died.
8. Do we have envelopes and stamps? WHere are they? How am I supposed to pay bills?
These are just a few. I probably have more. That is the little stuff though. I really need him to listen to my day, and be by my side. I just went to a friend's wedding, it was the first wedding I have been to without Gary. It was super lame. My other friend's all had their spouses and I felt like the third wheel everywhere I went. Things are always better with Gary there (even if he wouldn't have danced with me!)

So, I guess back to my routine. I've finished prison break so I guess I will start a new TV series or a new book (just finished a good one). Counting down the days...

The Next Chapter

Imagine your life as a book... an interesting one, with twists and turns, mishaps and adventures, and culminating in the perfect ending. What would be your story? More importantly, would anyone read it? This is the kind of stuff we thought about in an earlier chapter of my life story, back when I was an English major. We would sit around and ponder, discuss, debate esoteric ideas and generally come to no conclusions, but perhaps we came a bit closer to knowing ourselves?

I love to read but I am admittedly highly critical about endings of books. If I ever write a book I imagine I would never be able to finish it because the ending is everything. No matter how great the story is, if the ending is bad then the whole thing is tainted. And I don't always want a happy ending, but it must be appropriate.

So if I was writing my life story, how would I like it to end...
And since I have at least a moderately interesting middle of the book,
Then I wouldn't want to have an inappropriate ending...
And if in my mind at least, then ending is everything...
And if I am supposing that someone will want to read my story...
Then I must conclude that I will be leaving a legacy...
And if a legacy is important to me...
Then I must have an heir...
Thus.
I must have a child.


But, will having a child provide for me a nice ending, or just the next chapter? Maybe it is just the character arc that I need?

Would you rather have time or money?

Overwhelmingly the answer to this question is time, yet in our society we do not live like this is true.
The average American will work more than any other person on the planet. We work more hours and get less vacation than every other industrialized nation. We also have the biggest houses, cars, and more gadgets. But when I ask my peers who are admittedly "successful" people, nearly every single one of them state they would rather have more time. So why do we keep working so hard?
Is it in our culture to just keep working?
Is it too hard to cut back on working, i.e. it would be unheard of to ask your boss to work 4 days a week instead of 5 and make less money?
Are we just addicted to money, consuming things and the addage is true: "the more you make, the more you spend?"

My situation is classic. Gary and I have worked our asses off to get where we are right now. He has spent 9 year in a job he LOATHES to support me and our lifestyle. He was just getting ready to quit the job he hates when he was given a promotion. This promotion included a large salary increase, more flexibility, and more responsibility. Now he is working 12-14 hour days, couple this to my 12 to 14 hour days and our life is now work. Major bummer. But shouldn't we be happy now? What are we complaining about...wouldn't most people be ecstatic to be financially secure? Doesn't everyone want a nice house, 2 cars, a boat, a dog and 2.4 kids?
I guess the grass is always greener...

Has anyone seen the most depressing movie ever made: Redemption Road. If you haven't seen it...don't. IF you have then you will know why it is so depressing. How sad is it to give up on your dream?

You know I hate complainers who don't do anything to fix the situation. So in a very short time, our now cushy salary will be decreased by 66% and Gary will have what we both want...TIME!
We have unconventional way to live life, but who cares. Isn't life here to be lived?
First stop Alaska...

A big family

Life and age sneaks up on you when you aren't looking. Gary turns 42 today, I will be 34 next week which is the age I had put on myself for the final decision about having children. I chose this age because once you turn 35 you are now classified as "advanced maternal age" and it freaks me out.
It's funny because I thought I would have so much more at age 34 than I do, and at the same time I think I have too much.
Does everyone wish they would be where they are right now but 10 years earlier? Yet do they also not want the responsibility and stress of being a true adult? Am I a TRUE adult now? I have a dog, I am a doctor, I live in a house not an apartment...does that mean I have become an adult for real?
Besides, what does that really mean?
I am a commitment-phobe, a discovery that I just recently learned. I was with Gary for 7 years before we became engaged. I've wanted a dog for 11 years before I settled down enough to get one. I still haven't bought a house, even though I can afford it because I can't commit to one place. And of course the big one, I can't commit to having a family. I still cannot get past the idea that once I do, I am done with my own growth. I may as well roll over, go to pta meetings, work, buy a big house with a picket fence, get 2 SUVs and have bbqs on Sundays. Why do I think of all the sucky things and not the joy of having a family?
Part of me wants a family (and don't tell Gary this but I want more than one kid) because I think there is a part of growing up that requires siblings. Part of who I am today is because of my brothers and sisters. It seems hollow to me to have once child, but the reality of having more than one kid is daunting...so I do nothing. And I age.
But I also don't want the status quo family. I think it is disgusting how kids play video games and are so attached to their phones, and don't know how to experience the outside world. I think I will feel like a failure if my kids would rather be on line than go on a hike. Is this how all generations feel, am I just imposing my ideas of happiness on children through my experiences?
So why do I think about it so much? Maybe I should just let go. Maybe if I believed in God I could just say: "let go, let god" but that is such a farce. It is just not taking responsibility for your own actions...not my style. WOuld be nice though if I could just pretend that whatever I do was predetermined for a big plan. How much easier life would be if it weren't up to me.

But in a sense, maybe I should just let go. My best friend just had a child. I think about her a lot and how amazing she says it is. I believe her. I want it to be amazing for me too, but if it isn't it may end up being the biggest mistake of my life.

I don't understand politics...

The political process in the United States is unfortunate. Once a certain personality or a certain simplistic perspective takes hold it is quite difficult to change course, to reconsider, to create productive and sophisticated synthesis. Our democracy succeeds in avoiding the excesses of monarchy and manages to facilitate progress to some extent, from time to time. But our system has clearly not succeeded in producing a healthy, adaptable and sustainable society. Unless more mature leadership emerges, leadership that is capable of deliberation and synthesis, we will continue to decline. I am talking about all leadership, not only the presidency, all those voted into public office need to have more integrity, passion and ingenuity. Most of all, at this stage, we need leadership that is strong enough to help the nation move past the manipulative slogans and narrow perceptions that result in the election of individuals who are incapable of true and thoughtful collaboration. Few of our elected officials possess the character traits that are required of those who would participate in a creative and productive political process. Our best hope at this point in our history may be the emergence of a new political organization that identify candidates based on a combination of intelligence and personal characteristics. To accomplish this it will be necessary to train our citizens to value learning and appreciate the political process. We must realize that in order for our nation to succeed we have to think as a group in some ways, rather than the individual (a distinctly unamerican way to think). In the absence of an innovative process such as this or something else that is able to change the nature of politics I think it is quite likely that our nation will never recover from the current and growing difficulties that are before us. We cannot move forward because we are simply engaged in a bi-partisan struggle on every issue. It is sickening and is causing the decline of our great nation.

Eat Food, Not too Much, Mostly Plants

Some people may know what reference that title of this post is referring to. I've loved that saying ever since I first heard it, and in fact keep a post-it of it on my refrigerator door. It is supposed to be "my diet." It is supposed to be the diet I live my life around. It sounds so simple but over the past week, I have been actually trying to live that diet and it is hard.
This year for my new year's resolution, instead of trying to lose 10 lbs (boring), I decided I really wanted to live and eat the diet that I believe in. I wanted to try to eat only "Whole Foods." This doesn't mean I shop only at "Whole Paycheck" it means that I will try to eat only food in their natural state. Basically, NO PROCESSED FOOD. This is very very hard if you think about it. It isn't hard because the food isn't good. In fact, I LOVE to eat this way. It is hard because of the shopping, preparation, and thinking ahead that is involved.
For example, I used to think I ate pretty healthy. Actually not. For breakfast I would normally eat a Yoplait yogurt, or cereal, or morningstar fake sausage with "whole grain" frozen waffle. Now I can eat none of that. It is all processed. This morning instead I scrambled 2 (free-range) eggs with sundried tomatoes, and blueberries on the side. I would have liked a slice of toast with that but that is off the diet. I would have liked cheese with my eggs, but also off limit. The lack of cheese is the hardest thing. I was going to keep eating it, but Gary said: "if you're going to do this, you may as well do it all the way." So I am.
Dinner last night was awesome. Brown rice, peanut sauce thai stirfry. It was really fantastic. Work is hard. I have to bring nuts, apples, and prepared food. However, I feel satisfied. I feel like this is how I am meant to eat without all the nonsense that goes on with "nutrition" and supplements and "fortified" food.
After this month I can't say I will never eat processed food again, but I am hoping to use this month as a kick-start to regaining love of cooking and eating real food. I want to appreciate the taste of food in it's natural state.
It is a sad state of affairs that a Lean Cuisine frozen dinner is considered healthy.
The problem: what do do about alcohol? Is wine "processed?"