I take failure so hard. I wonder if this is normal? Today I couldn't do a simple arterial line. Actually, I think arterial lines are the hardest procedure to do, but anyway, it is still rather simple. However, I missed. Plus I missed in front of 4 nursing students, my co-intern, 3 nurses, my resident, and my attending. Thank GOD, that the co-intern I was with, tried after me and didn't get it. Of course, the attending tried and got it in 2 seconds flat. Shit! I was so upset. I've done a bunch of them, and I've failed at quite a few too (which is frustrating), but it is still bothering me at 9:31 pm as I am writing this. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH! I try to just be chill and say, "Oh well, I'll get it next time," but it just feels so good to do something right. I want to feel good, not bad!!
Mowed the lawn today. Haven't done that since I was 12. Felt good to mow a lawn. Then I had grilled corn on the cob for dinner. I guess that was my high for the day.
My next entry will be: "What I've learned as an Intern." Then I am going to write a book called "How to be a bad doctor." I've got lots of examples of what not to do...stay tuned.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Just breathe...
I have been running myself ragged these last couple of months actually. First work was really stressful and I was working a ton. Then I moved, and that has been surprisingly more stressful than I anticipated. So now, I always feel like I am never quite caught up. I have no routine. My workouts have suffered. I barely cook. I am just tired! All that being said, I think I have made a turning point in my medical career in the last month or so. I am not sure if it is because I am almost done with my intern year, or if there comes a point in all physicians life where they feel like they are getting it. I am taking responsibility for my patients and not just doing what the Attending says. I make my own decisions, and feel the repercusions of those decisions. For example, I just discharged a 40 year old woman with congestive heart failure. Her heart was pumping 1/3 as well as a normal heart, so she was admitted and an automated internal cardio defibrillator was placed. She was doing well and was discharged a day following the procedure (yesterday, my day off). Today I came into work and was dictating her discharge summary when I looked in the computer and she had been readmitted! Turns out, she had a massive stroke about 12 hours after discharge! She was now in the ICU. Oh boy, I freaked. I ran through everything in my mind to see what I missed. I talked to the Cardiologist who was also concerned. I went to see her in the ICU. I felt terrible for this poor woman, and also a real fear in how easily something like that can happen. There were no mistakes so far as I could see, but still, it is so sad to see in a person so young. She had been putting off this procedure too because she was scared to do it. It really bummed me out. It made me realize the importance in what I do everyday.
Then, we were driving to the store and we saw a homeless man passed out in his wheelchair at the offramp from the freeway. My first reaction, was look at that guy passed out there. Then Gary said: "You going to go check him out?" Well, damn...I guess so. That's who I am isn't it? Just then an ambulance pulled up, turns out some other folks were concerned about him too.
I have a pretty cool job, but I'm scared. For real.
Then, we were driving to the store and we saw a homeless man passed out in his wheelchair at the offramp from the freeway. My first reaction, was look at that guy passed out there. Then Gary said: "You going to go check him out?" Well, damn...I guess so. That's who I am isn't it? Just then an ambulance pulled up, turns out some other folks were concerned about him too.
I have a pretty cool job, but I'm scared. For real.
Monday, May 18, 2009
Advice for a young lady
I wrote this advice to my oldest niece. So I thought I would post it here, because it also serves as advice to myself.May 18, 2009
Hi Brianne—
I can’t believe you are turning 18! I was just a little younger than you when you first came into my life. You were the first child that I have ever loved and the one who taught me the joy of children, and how much more fun life was when sharing it with a small child who was experiencing the world for the first time. Now you are grown up and ready to start your life as an adult. You have a lot of great times ahead of you, and a lot of difficult but rewarding decisions to make. You are going to receive a lot of advice from a lot of people. Your job will be to decide which pieces of the advice resonate with you, and ultimately try to take a few words of wisdom to carry with you. However, your real task is to know who YOU are, which may be the most difficult task of all. You will need to experience life, try everything you are curious about, make mistakes and learn from them.
I have a life that I love for the most part. I have things that I would have done differently, and goals that I still want to do. For what it is worth, I am going to give you my top 10 pieces of advice that I hope can inspire or motivate you in some way. My hope is that you find at least one that you would like to remember. If not, keep this letter and maybe bring it out again in 5 years. It is amazing how time changes everything.
Here goes:
1. Don’t let anyone define who you are. I learned this one the hard way. You may be in love, have a great boyfriend, get married, have children but never, ever forget who you are. Do not lose yourself in the relationship or your role in your job or commitments. Remember your needs and desires. You are a wonderful woman with your own ideas. Remember this.
2. Nobody else is paying as much attention to your failures as you are. “You are the only one who is obsessed with the importance of your own life. To everyone else it is just a blip on the radar screen so move on.” John Travolta. This is something I am still learning. I get so upset when I don’t do well. I still worry about what other people think. You know what, they are busy and worried about their own lives. Brush yourself off and try again. It truly is not as bad as you think.
3. Read. Reading is active. Movies, TV, video are passive. Reading engages your imagination. Video substitutes for your imagination and distracts you from life. Reading also makes you well rounded, have a great vocabulary and incidentally do well on tests.
4. Respect your body. Think about what a great gift a healthy body is. Stick to this diet: “Eat food, not too much, mostly plants”. Work out, move your body, do sports, use your body now before age creeps up on you and then you can’t. Your body and your mind are two natural gifts that you are born with. Use them well.
5. Find people who you love and who love you. Remember that love is not a leisure activity, it requires work. Pick up the phone, send an email, write a letter. Kiss your mom, hug your dad. Be generous with your love but not careless. Respect that true friendships take time and commitment but the rewards are immesurable.
6. Push yourself to your limit. Do something challenging, physically or mentally. The reward of accomplishment is so worth the challenge. Climb a mountain, Run the extra mile, study extra hard for a test, cook a soufflé from scratch, then enjoy the rewards. You will be surprised how far both your mind and body can take you.
7. Never, never, never give up. If the front door is closed to you, go around the back door. If it is closed, go around to the side of the house to see if that window is open. Just keep trying. The only person that can stop you is you. If you have a dream, then go for it.
8. Find your “thing.” Find something that you love doing and make it a priority. Everyone needs a “thing” Mine is climbing, and since I have put it on a backburner for my job my life feels less rewarding, although it would appear that I am more“successful.” I miss doing my “thing.” Your dad’s thing is hiking, your mom’s nutrition. Find your “thing” your life will be so much richer.
9. Take detours. Metaphorically and physically. I have seen my peers have such a one track mind to accomplish becoming a doctor that they haven’ t experienced the richness of life. I say, if you want to backpack across Asia then go for it. If you want to live in the Caribbean for a summer than do it. If you want to stop along the side of the road to take a short hike or pop into an interesting coffee shop, then do it. Live life and keep your mind and experiences open.
10.Keep a journal (or a blog). Knowing you are going to write about your day or your week sharpens your attention to everything that happens around you. You really examine your own feelings about a situation and it causes you to live more deliberately. Plus it’s fun to go back and read your entries. Trust me, when you are 25, you will not remember what you were thinking or doing at 18.
11. one to grow on…Relax, Take a breath. Don’t be afraid. All you have to know is who YOU are. The rest is gravy.
Well kiddo, that is all that I will say for now, though I am sure I could ramble on more. Everyone loves giving advice.
I have enjoyed seeing you grow into such a charismatic, funny, beautiful, caring young woman. I am looking forward to finding out what wonderful things you will do with your life. I feel lucky to have been a part of your life, even from afar.
All my love,
Your Aunt Bonny
Siobhan
Hi Brianne—
I can’t believe you are turning 18! I was just a little younger than you when you first came into my life. You were the first child that I have ever loved and the one who taught me the joy of children, and how much more fun life was when sharing it with a small child who was experiencing the world for the first time. Now you are grown up and ready to start your life as an adult. You have a lot of great times ahead of you, and a lot of difficult but rewarding decisions to make. You are going to receive a lot of advice from a lot of people. Your job will be to decide which pieces of the advice resonate with you, and ultimately try to take a few words of wisdom to carry with you. However, your real task is to know who YOU are, which may be the most difficult task of all. You will need to experience life, try everything you are curious about, make mistakes and learn from them.
I have a life that I love for the most part. I have things that I would have done differently, and goals that I still want to do. For what it is worth, I am going to give you my top 10 pieces of advice that I hope can inspire or motivate you in some way. My hope is that you find at least one that you would like to remember. If not, keep this letter and maybe bring it out again in 5 years. It is amazing how time changes everything.
Here goes:
1. Don’t let anyone define who you are. I learned this one the hard way. You may be in love, have a great boyfriend, get married, have children but never, ever forget who you are. Do not lose yourself in the relationship or your role in your job or commitments. Remember your needs and desires. You are a wonderful woman with your own ideas. Remember this.
2. Nobody else is paying as much attention to your failures as you are. “You are the only one who is obsessed with the importance of your own life. To everyone else it is just a blip on the radar screen so move on.” John Travolta. This is something I am still learning. I get so upset when I don’t do well. I still worry about what other people think. You know what, they are busy and worried about their own lives. Brush yourself off and try again. It truly is not as bad as you think.
3. Read. Reading is active. Movies, TV, video are passive. Reading engages your imagination. Video substitutes for your imagination and distracts you from life. Reading also makes you well rounded, have a great vocabulary and incidentally do well on tests.
4. Respect your body. Think about what a great gift a healthy body is. Stick to this diet: “Eat food, not too much, mostly plants”. Work out, move your body, do sports, use your body now before age creeps up on you and then you can’t. Your body and your mind are two natural gifts that you are born with. Use them well.
5. Find people who you love and who love you. Remember that love is not a leisure activity, it requires work. Pick up the phone, send an email, write a letter. Kiss your mom, hug your dad. Be generous with your love but not careless. Respect that true friendships take time and commitment but the rewards are immesurable.
6. Push yourself to your limit. Do something challenging, physically or mentally. The reward of accomplishment is so worth the challenge. Climb a mountain, Run the extra mile, study extra hard for a test, cook a soufflé from scratch, then enjoy the rewards. You will be surprised how far both your mind and body can take you.
7. Never, never, never give up. If the front door is closed to you, go around the back door. If it is closed, go around to the side of the house to see if that window is open. Just keep trying. The only person that can stop you is you. If you have a dream, then go for it.
8. Find your “thing.” Find something that you love doing and make it a priority. Everyone needs a “thing” Mine is climbing, and since I have put it on a backburner for my job my life feels less rewarding, although it would appear that I am more“successful.” I miss doing my “thing.” Your dad’s thing is hiking, your mom’s nutrition. Find your “thing” your life will be so much richer.
9. Take detours. Metaphorically and physically. I have seen my peers have such a one track mind to accomplish becoming a doctor that they haven’ t experienced the richness of life. I say, if you want to backpack across Asia then go for it. If you want to live in the Caribbean for a summer than do it. If you want to stop along the side of the road to take a short hike or pop into an interesting coffee shop, then do it. Live life and keep your mind and experiences open.
10.Keep a journal (or a blog). Knowing you are going to write about your day or your week sharpens your attention to everything that happens around you. You really examine your own feelings about a situation and it causes you to live more deliberately. Plus it’s fun to go back and read your entries. Trust me, when you are 25, you will not remember what you were thinking or doing at 18.
11. one to grow on…Relax, Take a breath. Don’t be afraid. All you have to know is who YOU are. The rest is gravy.
Well kiddo, that is all that I will say for now, though I am sure I could ramble on more. Everyone loves giving advice.
I have enjoyed seeing you grow into such a charismatic, funny, beautiful, caring young woman. I am looking forward to finding out what wonderful things you will do with your life. I feel lucky to have been a part of your life, even from afar.
All my love,
Your Aunt Bonny
Siobhan
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Moving Pains
Whew! I am tired and I still have no idea how to decorate my house! Gary and I moved into a house, and I am so excited about it. We have never lived in a house before! I love, love, love it! It is so nice to have privacy and not have to worry about playing your music too loud, and stomping too loudly (gary is a very loud walker--he sounds like he is 300 lbs when he is walking around the house).
Here's what I love about my house.
1. It's big. Three bedrooms and a den and a big yard.
2. The neighborhood is cute, and settled. There aren't a bunch of cookie cutter houses around.
3. The neighbors talk to you !
4. My house is old and personalized. Lots of built in shelves and wood work and secret compartments.
5. There are built in laundry hampers in the bathrooms.
6. The canyon behind my house goes on for 12 miles, and there are lots of people (but not too many)on it so I don't feel scared running alone. Lander can run off leash twice a day!
7. There is an awesome tennis/raquetball club literally just behind my yard. Trying to convince Gary to join (he's afraid it is too bourgeousie), but it has a huge pool, hot tub, 23 tennis courts, 3 gyms, classes like yoga and spinning, bar, restaurant. What more could you ask for?
8. Fiesta Island is a 3 minute drive away (off leash dog area for Lander) plus the bay for boating activities (if we buy a boat).
9. There is a big yard area, and a big garage.
10. You can see the nightly seaworld fireworks from my lawn (nightly in summer, weekends in winter).
11. There is a fireplace and lots of windows.
Now all you people don't get me wrong. If you aren't from California then you won't be so excited about a house. Plus this house is by no means a mansion, but in San Diego, things are quite expensive so this was a big deal to move to an actual house. It is so worth it! I feel so grown up!
Now for my next step in growing up...
Ha, you thought I was going to say, have a kid.
No, my next step: invest in the stock market! Wish me luck!
Here's what I love about my house.
1. It's big. Three bedrooms and a den and a big yard.
2. The neighborhood is cute, and settled. There aren't a bunch of cookie cutter houses around.
3. The neighbors talk to you !
4. My house is old and personalized. Lots of built in shelves and wood work and secret compartments.
5. There are built in laundry hampers in the bathrooms.
6. The canyon behind my house goes on for 12 miles, and there are lots of people (but not too many)on it so I don't feel scared running alone. Lander can run off leash twice a day!
7. There is an awesome tennis/raquetball club literally just behind my yard. Trying to convince Gary to join (he's afraid it is too bourgeousie), but it has a huge pool, hot tub, 23 tennis courts, 3 gyms, classes like yoga and spinning, bar, restaurant. What more could you ask for?
8. Fiesta Island is a 3 minute drive away (off leash dog area for Lander) plus the bay for boating activities (if we buy a boat).
9. There is a big yard area, and a big garage.
10. You can see the nightly seaworld fireworks from my lawn (nightly in summer, weekends in winter).
11. There is a fireplace and lots of windows.
Now all you people don't get me wrong. If you aren't from California then you won't be so excited about a house. Plus this house is by no means a mansion, but in San Diego, things are quite expensive so this was a big deal to move to an actual house. It is so worth it! I feel so grown up!
Now for my next step in growing up...
Ha, you thought I was going to say, have a kid.
No, my next step: invest in the stock market! Wish me luck!
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