I remember when I was a little girl, my dad used to sing puff the magic dragon to me and my brother Shiloh, and I would always cry. Isn't it such a sad song? I just listened to it because I am having major nostalgia for my childhood--and I cried like a little girl. Gary thought I was nuts...I feel nuts. This pregnancy is making me crazy! I'm such a cliche.
I feel badly that I havent written in here much about my pregnancy because it would have been interesting to read later on. I have had so many feelings and emotions during this past 9 months that it is hard to remember them all now.
Something that I have struggled with, and hear little about from other people that have had children is loss of my identity. I am viewed differently now by coworkers, patients, friends--even my husband that it was and still is difficult to reconcile. It is odd that you view yourself one way and then other people view you differently so there is a sense of: ''who am I now?" Am I still me? Should I be the person that people see me as? Why am I still not completely feeling my mother role? Does that mean I won't be a good mother?
Then people ask if I am getting really excited--and the answer is I am more apprehensive than excited. Then I feel bad, so sometimes I lie. I have so many fears about the health of my baby that I haven't let myself get into the excited stage yet. What if I have a difficult delivery and my baby has cerebral palsey, or autism or some other syndrome. What if I didn't eat healthy enough during my pregnancy. What if all my stress at work causes some defect in my baby?
I'm still in the disbelief that we actually did this! I don't know how it will change my life, but I am hoping it will only make it better.
I won't even comment on the loss of my body. I am having a real hard time with that one. I'm so shallow.
One of the unexpected joys is that I have found myself connecting with women who have had kids that I never expected. It is now like I am in a secret club. Only other women who have been pregnant can understand at least part of the changes that I am going through. I feel a sense of closeness to people that was unexpected and the generosity from these women has been a wonder. I feel like I have not been supportive of pregnant women in the past--now I know what it is like to be truly dead tired, throwing up, not fitting in clothes, legs swelling, and I am finding that at least some people understand that it is hard for me to stand for a long time. I find I am welcoming accomodations that are being made for me and don't feel guilty. I know it is my choice to have a child, but for me at least is not an easy process to go through--why can't I have a little break now and then?
Well I am off to get ready for work. 35 weeks today, only 5 to go...
