I have been wanting to write in here over the past 2 months but have been refraining. I've been keeping a big secret (which I am not good at) and also suffering at the same time so it has been especially difficult. Because I like people to know when I am suffering so I can get sympathy! I am pregnant, 12 weeks today. I want to end that sentence with an exclamation mark but I can't. I am so miserable and am having a hard time being excited about my pregnancy. Sounds terrible right? What kind of mother says that right? Well, I will fill in the details. I wake in the morning and have to drink apple juice or crackers immediately to prevent vomiting, and this works only half of the time. So I have a little morning sickness--no big deal. Well whoever termed it morning sickness must have had a big laugh. It is all day long miserable sickness. I literally feel nauseated from the moment I wake up until the moment I go to bed. I have even woken up in the middle of the night to puke. So to mitigate the vomiting, I use zofran daily--multiple times a day (I sure hope they are right that it is OK for the fetus!), olus every other home remedy people have written about on line. I am continually grazing because if I eat all the time then I guess I can trick my body into not puking. Work is the worst, I would be surprised if people at work didn't realize how shitty I feel all the time--and how I can barely keep up. I have found the most private and clean bathrooms in the hospital that I can sneak off to and vomit throughout my shift--3rd floor near surgery clinic is the best. In fact, sometimes I prefer to throw up because then it gives me about an hour of reprieve from the nausea. Throw in some extreme fatigue and I would say that I am the most miserable I have ever been. No exagerration.
I get SO JEALOUS when I talk to NEARLY EVERY ON OF MY FRIENDS WHO HAVE HAD A KID and they say things like: "I never got sick" "I couldn't even tell I was pregnant." "I think I was nauseated one time." "I ran until I was 7 months pregnant." Blah. If I work out, I have to stop to puke so I barely manage a walk or bike ride. So you would think that since I throw up all the time that I would be losing weight, but all my grazing has resulted in unexpected weight GAIN! More than expected for first trimester. So that's great.
I am hoping and praying that this will truly end by week 14 which is what people have said. My fear is that I will be one of the lucky ones that it persists throught the pregnancy. I had 2 days in a row last week that I didn't throw up so thought it may be at the end, but it came back with a vengeance so that was false hope.
So how do I feel about being pregnant? It sucks. How do I feel about becoming a mom? I don't know, I can't think past my misery. I'm selfish like that. I don't know if it is a boy or girl. Gary and I are going to wait to find out the sex. Sounds like a cliche, but I truly just want a healthy baby.
Well I am going to go puke. I have a new strategy, when I know I am going to vomit soon anyway I eat something bad for me because I just throw it up anyway. I just downed a TWIX bar!
